Uniting Hearts: Discovering Me #3 Read online

  Later, we all ate at the rarely-used dining table tucked into one side of the kitchen. Bethann seemed more rested and aware as she worked through her soup and sandwich. I’d long ago perfected grilled cheese by using mayo on the outside of the bread, instead of butter. Perfectly crisp and golden brown every time. Bethan even complimented me on hers and how good it was.

  Jeremy seemed to pay more attention to how much she was eating than on his own dinner, urging her to eat some of the fresh tomato slices I’d set out, too, as well as drink her water. It annoyed me on some level but Jeremy was a caregiver at heart, and he fussed when his friends were upset. He definitely fussed when I was upset.

  We didn’t always have dessert, but I’d bought an Entenmann’s crumb coffee cake in case anyone had a sweet tooth. I was about to ask who wanted a piece when Bethann said, “I want to go see the baby tomorrow, Remy.”

  “Yeah?” Jeremy’s mouth twitched in a weird way, as if he wanted to smile but didn’t dare show his delight over this plot twist. “Okay. Do you want me to drive you?”

  “Please.” Her expression finally changed from blank exhaustion to determined, and that was the Bethann Quinn I knew. The fighter. “I think if I actually sit with her, see her for a while, I’ll be able to decide what I want to do.”

  “Then I’ll take you. Whenever you want to go.”

  “What about the shop?” I asked. “I can cover for you if Meredith can’t.”

  “We’ll just let it stay closed, no big deal. I’ve been closing more frequently on Mondays this summer, anyway.” Jeremy winked at me.

  He had been closing the store on Mondays a lot lately, and it was so we could spend more time together. Whether it was on a pick, down in the workshop, or simply lounging around the house naked, he had made a conscious effort to be around more these last couple of months.

  “Can you afford losing the business?” Bethann asked.

  “Online sales have been way up recently, so I’ll be fine.” Jeremy reached across the table to squeeze her wrist. “Just tell me when you want to go. I’m pretty sure the unit she’s in allows parents to visit any time, day or night, if you don’t want to wait.”

  “No, tomorrow is soon enough.” She turned her hand around so she could hold his. “Thank you.”

  Something unwanted slithered through my chest at the sight of them holding hands, no matter how briefly, because Jeremy pulled back after tossing her a warm smile. That thing felt a lot like jealousy, which was stupid. Jeremy was with me. Even if Bethann looked a lot like his late wife, and even if Bethann had something I could never give Jeremy (a baby), he was with me. Not her.

  But he was taking her to see said baby tomorrow. They were both going to see her, maybe hold her. Maybe even get attached to her. What happened if my boyfriend fell in love with his ex-sister-in-law’s child?

  Where did that leave me?

  4

  JEREMY

  While Cole served everyone a small piece of crumb coffee cake for dessert, my mind raced in all kinds of directions over Bethann’s baby visit announcement. On one hand, I was happy that she wanted contact with her baby. To actually see the newborn and maybe even hold her. To realize what a beautiful miracle the baby was. Maybe even decide she could be a good single mother after all.

  But on the other hand, this could also be Bethann saying goodbye. Making the choice to put Baby Quinn up for adoption and sever all ties. That would break my heart, but what could I do? Bethann wasn’t my girlfriend, the baby wasn’t mine, and I had a life I loved with Cole. All I could do was support my best friend through whatever decision she ultimately made.

  Instead of watching TV with us, Bethann went upstairs to read, and I was grateful for a chance to snuggle up with Cole on the couch. We’d nearly had a quickie this afternoon, and as much as I liked the idea of dragging Cole upstairs so he could fuck me senseless, I wasn’t sure about getting it up knowing Bethann was wide awake across the hall.

  I hadn’t truly considered my sex life when I invited her to stay, but my libido could calm down for a week or two while she was here.

  We were streaming a comedy, and I could tell Cole was distracted because he barely laughed during the funniest parts. He was tucked under my right arm, his head on my chest, so I couldn’t really see his face. When the movie was over, I nudged him until he sat up, cheek red and creased from my shirt.

  “Are you okay?” I asked. “You barely watched the movie.”

  “I’m fine.” Cole’s hazel eyes were sad, though, and I didn’t like it. “Just keep thinking about how lucky I am with everything I have. A stable place to live, you to love me, money in the bank. The ability to choose what I want to do with my life, instead of still being stuck in my own circumstances.”

  Ah hah.

  “Like Bethann’s stuck?”

  “Yeah. I guess I never gave myself a chance to really empathize with Bethann or her situation. The hard choices she’s had to make, the losses she’s suffered. If you and Lulu were her only family, I can’t really blame her that much for latching onto you like she did. You’re the most generous, stable, loving person I’ve ever known, Jeremy.”

  The compliments warmed my chest. “All three of us know what loss feels like, just in different ways. My fear of loss almost pushed you away. Bethann’s fear of loss makes her cling tighter.”

  “My fear of loss makes it hard to commit to an action.” Cole released a long, slow breath. “I don’t envy her making the decision about her baby, not even a little bit. I’m scared I’d be a horrible parent, because I was raised by horrible parents. But I don’t know anything about Bethann’s parents. I mean, Lulu and I went to school together but we weren’t friends.”

  “I never met them before they passed away,” I said after a few moments to collect my thoughts. I also disagreed that Cole would be a horrible parent, because he had so much love in his heart to give to others. He was just gun-shy about sharing it, thanks to his ex-asshole. “Their parents were not kind people, from the stories I heard. They kicked both Lulu and Bethann out at eighteen, and while Lulu made her way north to college, Bethann was stuck here. Her parents moved away from Franklin a long time ago, and they died not long after.” I was a tad surprised Cole had been in town for more than eight months and didn’t know this, but he was also not a gossip.

  “Were they abusive?” Cole asked in a small voice.

  “Emotionally but not physically. At least, not that Bethann or Lulu ever told me. Bethann once said they were the kind of people who never should have had kids.”

  “Sounds like my parents.”

  It hit me hard then: Cole and Bethann’s pasts were a lot alike. Emotionally distant upbringing, parents who seemed to resent their very existence, fleeing from those homes as soon as they were legally able. While Bethann had had a string of unsuccessful relationships these last eleven years, Cole had been stuck in a single, abusive hell of a relationship. And out of those experiences, neither believed they’d be good parents.

  “Come here, babe.” I tucked Cole back under my arm and kissed his temple. Inhaled the familiar, faint scent of his shampoo. He relaxed against me and rested his head on my shoulder. “Your parents missed out on the opportunity to love you and to know what a strong, resilient man you are, and that’s their loss. Same with Bethann’s parents. But just because your parents sucked at parenting, that doesn’t mean you will, too. Or Bethann will. Cruelty isn’t genetic, it’s taught, and there isn’t a cruel bone in your body.”

  “I wish I believed in me the way you believe in me.”

  “One day you will. I’ve only had eight months to tell you how amazing you are, so give it time.”

  Cole laughed softly. “You’re pretty fantastic, too, for loving a wreck like me.”

  “You aren’t a wreck anymore. You’re a blank canvas just waiting for inspiration to strike.”

  “Hmm. I like that metaphor.”

  “Good. Wanna go upstairs and watch that YouTube channel you like on my tablet? T
he woman who redesigns old furniture?”

  “Definitely.”

  We tidied up and turned off all the second-floor lights except the one under the microwave, just in case Bethann came downstairs during the night. She knew my house inside and out, but spaces were different in the dark. Cole and I went through our bathroom routines of brushing teeth and shedding clothes. I stripped down to my boxers, because it was hot on the third floor despite the a/c, but Cole left his undershirt on.

  Probably in case Bethann came out of her room; he didn’t like anyone but me seeing the mess of scars on his back.

  I hated those scars for the physical agony they’d caused Cole, but they were also a reminder that Cole had survived to find his way here to me. To the us I’d do anything to protect.

  Cole turned the rotating floor fan in the corner on to move the warm air around the room, and we cuddled up together under the top sheet to watch his show. I sometimes flinched at the antiques the host ripped apart for her projects, but Cole loved it. Said it gave him ideas.

  When Cole started yawning, we shut off the tablet and kissed for a while. Long, lazy kisses that didn’t get my dick going, but I still treasured every single one—like I treasured the man in my arms.

  Cole woke before I did, and after a quick shower, I found him in the kitchen stirring up waffle batter. The sight of him there, in our kitchen, never failed to arrest me. From his very first visit, he’d fit here. Been so natural here, even during the flashbacks and hard moments.

  “Morning,” I said as I waltzed over to kiss his cheek. “I somehow managed to sleep like a rock. You?”

  “Not bad. I thought Bethann might appreciate a filling breakfast before the visit.”

  My belly rumbled with nerves. “Good idea. I’m going to run downstairs and put a ‘Closed for the Day’ sign on the door.”

  “Okay.”

  I did just that. With no idea how long Bethann wanted to stay at the hospital, we could be closed for an hour, or the entire day, so better safe than sorry. I could always open later if we got back before lunch.

  Bethann was up and dressed and seated at the kitchen table when I went back upstairs. She seemed rested, if still melancholy, and I greeted her with a hug. “How are you feeling today?” I asked.

  “Less exhausted but still sore. I don’t want to do this today, Remy, but I have to.”

  “I know. I’ll be with you, okay? You aren’t doing this alone.”

  Something in her eyes said, “Yes, I am doing this alone,” but she didn’t say it. The choice was hers alone to make, but she wouldn’t be physically alone while making it. Not for as long as she wanted me with her.

  Cole served up stacks of crispy waffles. I smothered my three in strawberry jelly and syrup, while Bethann nibbled on a single waffle with some butter. Probably nervous about today, and I didn’t blame her. She did thank Cole for breakfast, though, and sipped her orange juice.

  “Do you have any plans today, Cole?” Bethann asked.

  Cole turned a surprised look onto her. “Um, probably putter around in the workshop for a while. I’m working on a new piece. But, ah, if you need more moral support today, I can come to the hospital and sit in the waiting room.”

  My heart fluttered at his generous offer.

  “You don’t have to do that, but thanks,” she replied. “I mean it. I know you and me aren’t great friends, Cole, so I really appreciate your support.”

  “You’re welcome.”

  The pair seemed to reach a new level of peace and understanding between them, and I couldn’t have been prouder of them both. Instead of merely tolerating each other, they might be on the path to actually being friends. Nothing would make me happier.

  “Just let me know when you’re ready to go,” I said to Bethann. “My entire day is yours, if you need it.”

  “We might as well go now. No sense in putting it off.”

  “Okay.” I rose to take my plate to the sink.

  Cole waved me off. “I’ll take care of the dishes. You guys go. Call if you need anything.”

  I gave him a long, hard kiss for that before helping Bethann stand. Instead of going back upstairs to pee, I let her use the bathroom downstairs in the shop. Sometimes my plan not to have a bathroom on the middle floor was a pain, but I’d wanted a completely open floor plan there. One big living space.

  We took Cole’s car again, because it was more comfortable than her climbing up into my van. Cole could drive my van in a pinch, he just preferred not to, and he was unlikely to leave the property today. It was supposed to be hot and humid, and he had plenty to keep him busy in the workshop.

  Neither of us talked on the drive, just listened to the radio. I preferred classic rock, while Bethann was a country fan, so I let her pick the station. When Don’t Take the Girl by Tim McGraw came on, I switched back to my choice. That song made me tear up during the best of times, and Bethann didn’t need to listen to a tragic love story about a beloved wife dying in childbirth.

  I dropped Bethann off at the main entrance so she didn’t have as far to walk, then parked the car. After signing in and getting name tags, the woman at the front desk gave us directions to the Neonatal Unit. Fortunately, the place had wall signs and arrows pointing everywhere, so it didn’t take us long to find it.

  After using hand sanitizer, a nurse led us into a room with three different incubators. One had a pink towel on top, the other a blue, and the third was empty. Bethann hesitated before approaching the pink one. I stuck as close as I dared, giving her space without hovering too much. The incubator had hand-sized openings in four places. I didn’t know or care what all the monitors did, as long as they kept the tiny newborn healthy.

  “She’s done really well since she came to us,” the nurse explained. “Her lungs are strong, her pulse and heart rate are excellent. She’s a fighter.”

  “Just like her mama,” I whispered.

  Bethann reached back to grab my hand, then took three more steps forward. Bent at the waist to see better through the clear walls of the incubator. I did the same. The baby was covered in a white blanket and wore a white knit cap. Her eyes were closed, sleeping, and she had the most adorable button nose.

  “Talk to her,” the nurse said. “Touch her. Let her know you’re here.”

  Bethann sat in a plastic chair next to the incubator and rested her fingertips just inside one of the holes. She stared, chin trembling, before reaching in and stroking one finger across her baby’s cheek. I let out a soft breath, enamored of the sight in front of me. The tiny piece of Bethann in that incubator.

  The nurse was gone but the room had a wide door open to a bustling nurse’s station, so we didn’t have all that much privacy. Still, I inserted myself between Bethann and the door as best I could to give them space. I longed to touch the baby myself, but she hadn’t given me permission or invited me to, so I let Bethann take her time. Do what she needed to do.

  “I still don’t know if I want you,” Bethann whispered, barely loud enough for me to hear. Not sure if she wanted me to hear or not. “But you’re beautiful, and you deserve a parent who will love you the way you deserve to be loved.”

  My eyes burned with tears over the heartbreak in her voice, and on a gut level, I knew what her decision would be. When the nurse returned and asked Bethann if she wanted to try bottle feeding, Bethann said no and asked me if I wanted to do it. Heart hammering hard—I’d never held a baby so tiny, much less fed one—I settled in another chair. The nurse situated the newborn in my arms, which woke her. Blue eyes blinked up at me, and I fell right in love at that moment.

  It would hurt to lose her, but I wanted to make a few memories with this precious little life, so I held up the bottle. Baby Quinn latched quickly. Bits of foam oozed from the corners of her pink lips as she sucked greedily. Bethann watched from her own chair, a soft smile in place. “You’re a natural,” she said.

  “All I’m doing is holding the bottle. I can’t believe how small she is.”

  “
She’ll grow. She’ll thrive.” But not with me, hung unspoken from the statements.

  I didn’t think about that anymore, not while feeding the little angel. Maybe if Bethann chose open adoption, we’d still be able to be in this little girl’s life down the road. I hoped so. But if not, I’d pray every day that no matter where she was, this child was safe, happy and loved.

  We talked to her doctor later, who assured us the baby could go home at the end of the week. The news seemed to reassure Bethann on some level, and we left the hospital around noon at her request. I was hungry for lunch, but Bethann asked me to pull over at a park just off the interstate to talk.

  I knew what she was going to say before we settled at a picnic table, side-by-side, under the shade of tall, leafy trees. “Don’t be disappointed in me,” she said in a raspy, tear-strangled voice.

  My insides twisted up tight. “I’m not, Beth, I promise.”

  “I can’t do this. Remy, I can barely afford to feed myself and pay my rent on a one-bedroom place. I can’t afford to take care of her, not even with assistance programs. I’ve looked in to them. Plus, the expenses my insurance won’t cover from the birth and the baby staying for a week. We’ll both be miserable, and in the end, she’ll grow up resenting me.”

  I wanted to argue but what could I say? I wasn’t a fortune teller. I couldn’t peer into the future and assure her they’d be the best of friends their whole lives. Still… “What if you both moved into the house with me and Cole permanently? Or for a few months until she’s older. Maybe you can find a better job.”

  “In Franklin? Be realistic. Thank you, but no. I don’t have anything, Remy. No money, no family besides you, no real future here. I’ve been thinking about this for a long time, ever since I found out I was pregnant, and I want to leave Franklin. Move somewhere bigger, with more opportunities. Where no one knows me or my past. I need to start over, and I can’t do that with an infant. I knew I’d give birth to that baby no matter what, but I never truly considered keeping her.”