As I Am Page 14

  “You talk to your dad today?” he asked.

  Taz shook his head. With the hood up, it was hard to see his face. “No, he never called me back. And if he tries while we’re here, well, he can leave a message.”

  Will grinned. No interruptions. “Try not to think about it for a while. He’s probably settling in at a hotel or something, figuring out his new job.”

  “Yeah.” Taz didn’t sound convinced. “How’re you doing?”

  “No major meltdowns or panic attacks, so I’m pretty happy.” He’d fought against his anxiety all day long, squashing down flashes of fear by reminding himself he was surrounded by good people. Safe people. No one there would make him do anything he didn’t want to do.

  Someone in the room laughed, a deep, rumbling sound that Will tracked to the big bear of a man on the other couch. Bald, tattooed, he was cuddled up with a shorter, slim guy, and Will hated that he’d already forgotten their names. One of them started with a B. Boxer?

  The pair looked so adorably in love with each other that a flash of jealousy coursed through him. Their intimacy, their closeness, all of it came out in the smiles and small touches.

  I want that.

  He’d thought he had it with Guy, and in some ways, he had. But it had always been an illusion, cast from Will’s own naïveté over what relationships were. They weren’t once-a-week fucks. They weren’t always staying in. They weren’t never meeting the other guy’s friends. They weren’t built on secrets and lies.

  Lenore flopped down next to Will hard enough to bounce the cushions. “Don’t worry, I kind of hate them, too,” she said.

  Will studied her styled hair and brightly colored, sparkling outfit, curious about the man beneath the drag queen persona. “You’re all friends, right?”

  “Too right. The big one? Boxer? We’ve known each other forever. He’s the kind of guy you dream about meeting and falling in love with. Riley lucked out snagging him.” She looked over her shoulder. “Can you two stop being so fucking cute?” A pause. “The middle finger? That’s very mature, Box, thanks.”

  Will laughed, strangely at ease with Lenore sitting so close, when he’d normally be all tense. Maybe because Taz was still next to him, knee pressed close, observing. Taz wouldn’t let anyone hurt him. “I don’t hate them,” Will said. “It’s nice that they found each other.”

  “How about you two?” She waggled a blue-polished nail between him and Taz. “You guys together? Are there gory details?”

  “We’re friends.”

  “Now that’s a shame. Two pretty things like you?”

  Taz made a rusty sound, not laughter, but also not quite a grunt.

  Will squeezed his thigh.

  Somehow that comment ground the conversation to a halt. Lenore got up and wandered to the makeup table. Will held tight to Taz’s leg, existing in a comfortable silence for a while. Until Dave took the stage and the show finally began. Boxer and Riley left to watch it from the floor.

  The opening act was pretty funny, but Lenore stole the show. She was breathtaking, from her opening gag line to her final closing number. Even her speech at the end was all kinds of perfect. Throughout the performance, Will had relaxed more and more until he was pressed close to Taz’s side, one of Taz’s arms around his shoulders.

  And then Marc—the third All Saints director—got up on stage and started talking. He spoke calmly, but with a power and presence that stirred something inside Will. Marc told a sad, awful story of living on the streets, doing drugs and selling himself to survive. Will ached for him. For the pain in his eyes and the bravery in his voice. He’d come from a horrible place and used his experience to help others.

  Will’s eyes stung with tears by the time Marc thanked everyone and left the stage with Lenore.

  “Wow,” Taz said quietly, almost reverently. “Took a lot of guts to say all that to a room full of strangers.”

  “Yeah, it did.”

  The greenroom door opened. Marc burst inside first—not who Will expected to see. He sank down onto one of the couches and covered his face with his hands. Lenore followed right after him, then Boxer and Riley. Boxer shut the door. Will tried not to stare. A small part of him wanted to get up and comfort Marc. He respected the man so much for what he’d said on stage.

  Someone knocked. Boxer let Anthony inside, and he went straight to Marc. More too-cute coupley stuff. Great. Will turned back around, not wanting to intrude on whatever moment they were having. Riley even asked if everyone should leave, and Will was insanely glad that Marc said no. He didn’t want Taz to have to face the crowd.

  Hell, Will didn’t want to go out there with all those people, either.

  But the conversation was impossible not to overhear, and then the words really started to hit Will right in his heart.

  “I was terrified to say everything I did,” Marc said. “Didn’t want to come across like some woe-is-me dick trolling people for cash.”

  “Trust me, you didn’t,” Anthony replied. “You came across like someone with a passion for helping others because you can identify with their pain. You came across like a man with a heart so big you want to pull everyone inside and keep them safe, only you don’t know how. You’re a hero to a lot of people, but especially to me.”

  “I’m not a hero.”

  Will’s throat tightened. Marc was so a hero. He was strong, confident, and he’d regained his independence after going through hell. He was everything Will wasn’t and probably never would be.

  “Yeah, you are. If you hadn’t searched for me six months ago, I’d probably be dead. You believed in me when you had no reason to, and I can’t imagine my life without you in it. You might not wear a cape and a mask, but you’re a hero.”

  Will inhaled sharply, which did nothing to stop the tears stinging his eyes. He wiped at them with his shirtsleeve, then realized no one was talking. People were paying attention to him like he mattered, so he ducked his head. Part of him wanted to crawl under the couch and hide.

  Thank God, everyone started leaving the greenroom to mingle with the guests.

  “Marc’s story really got to you, huh?” Taz said after a moment of awkward silence.

  “I guess.” Will tried to shrug it off, but the tears were still there, right beneath the surface. Squeezing his chest and stinging his eyes, but not really falling. Not letting the emotion out. “When Anthony said he’d have been dead if Marc hadn’t found him... I don’t know, it hit something in me. Like, what if you never do the one thing that changes your life for the better? Big or small? What if that hero never comes?”

  Taz pulled him in for a warm, strong hug. He melted against Taz’s chest, enjoying the rise and fall of his breathing, and the thump of Taz’s heart by his ear. “What if you’d never accepted my chat request that day?” Taz whispered.

  “That’s different.”

  “No, it’s not. Let me ask you, how many people have you let hug you like this? Or like the other day on your back porch?”

  His words loosened those tears a little bit more. “No one. Not my foster mom, not anyone. Not like this.” Will held on tighter, terrified to let go. Taz was the only person in his life who made him feel less broken. He made him feel seen—not as a foster kid, a halfway house resident or even a therapy patient.

  Taz saw him as a man.

  “You’re living again, Will, like you told me,” Taz said. “We both are, and that’s because of each other. We’re both heroes a little bit. Doing what’s uncomfortable to help someone else out.”

  Will clung tighter, his heart skipping happily, but still scared it was all going to shatter and prove right the worst things about himself. He couldn’t let that happen. He was also tired from being so hyperaware all day long. “Are you ready to go?”

  “Sure, if you are. Um, how are we getting home?”

/>   He sat up straighter and looked Taz in the eye. Then laughed, because he was such an idiot sometimes. “That is a very good question. Want to split an Uber back to your place? I can walk the rest of the way.”

  Taz held his gaze a moment before smiling. “Sounds good.”

  The club was still pretty crowded, if the noise coming down the hall was any indication, but they escaped to the Staff door and out the back without anyone bothering them. Even though a small part of Will wanted to bask in the glow of having helped pull the benefit off, he also didn’t want the attention. Curfew was in two hours, and he wanted to spend as much of that time as possible with Taz.

  Altitude was close to the business district, so the streets were quiet. Almost too quiet. Will was used to the bustle of the poorer neighborhoods where the bars were open all night and most people walked because their old-as-fuck tires had just gotten jacked or they’d simply found a piece of sidewalk to spend the night on.

  Taz used his phone to get them a car, and they waited near a streetlight, the high-up glow casting shadows on Taz’s face thanks to his hoodie. He stood with his shoulders straight back, though, instead of hunched, almost as if daring someone to see him. Will wanted people to see him. Taz was gorgeous, scars or not, and he was into Will as a friend and a potential romantic partner.

  Will still had a hard time trusting that, but he was trying.

  The driver was polite and barely gave either of them a second glance. Will alternately watched the city fly by and watched Taz watch the city fly by. Taz’s guards seemed to go down when he didn’t think he was being observed or judged. He could be a guy, out with a friend, going home from a drag show.

  Will withheld a burning question until they were both safety locked into Taz’s apartment, enjoying the air-conditioning. “Did you have any episodes at all tonight?”

  Taz stopped in the process of hanging his hoodie on a hook by the door. “Not since before I talked to you on the phone and asked if I could come to the show. Huh.”

  “I bet being in a small room with only a few people helped a lot.”

  He finished hanging up the hoodie, then turned to smile at Will. “Having you there helped, too. Seeing you be brave helps me want to be brave.”

  Will’s heart turned over and begged at the sweet way he said those wonderful words. “You are brave.” His brain caught on something else Taz had said. “You had an episode this morning? Before or after I came over to clear the air?”

  One side of Taz’s face flushed. He looked at the floor. “Both.”

  “What triggered them?” They were close enough that Will could grab Taz’s hand and hold it, but he wasn’t sure if Taz wanted that. His guards were back up now that Will had embarrassed him. “I’m sorry, you don’t have to tell me.”

  Taz lifted one shoulder in a weak shrug. “Mostly my dad. Speaking of whom.” He palmed his phone, then checked. “Peter left me a voice mail.”

  “So listen to it.”

  “Not right now.” He put the phone away. “You have to leave soon for curfew. He can wait for an hour.”

  Will started sliding under, wanting so badly to shove Taz to the floor and kiss him until they both got hard and got off. “What do you want to do for that hour?”

  “I want to kiss you so badly.”

  The blunt admission caught Will briefly off guard. And left him uncertain, so he grabbed for humor. “What happened to just friends, Mr. Take It Slow?”

  Taz’s entire face went soft, almost seductive, and holy hell, but Will’s dick started taking an interest. “I didn’t say I want to maul you, or tear your clothes off. Just to kiss you. I saw a different side of you tonight, and I...can I?”

  Will hesitated, not sure he could stop at only one kiss—until he saw the uncertainty in Taz’s eyes. The flash of fear that he’d fucked this whole thing up somehow, when he was granting Will something very special. Something he wanted more than anything else in that moment. “Yes.”

  The fact that Will was a foot shorter than Taz seemed to stump him for a moment. Physically, they made a semi-ridiculous pair, but if Will needed to stand on a step stool to make this happen, he would. Then Taz grinned. He took Will’s hand and led him to the couch. Will’s pulse jumped as they sat, sharing a single cushion, thighs pressed close. He very nearly decided to hell with slow and straddled Taz’s lap.

  Nearly.

  Taz had asked to kiss him, instead of just doing it, and Will didn’t want to push Taz into going farther than he was comfortable with. Will never wanted to be that guy.

  “I can’t believe I’m nervous about this,” Taz said.

  Will laughed. “If it helps, I am too, a little. I’ve never...”

  “Never what?”

  “I’ve never had someone be so careful with me.”

  Taz’s tender expression darkened. “Not even Guy?”

  “I mean, Guy was never cruel or hurt me. But it wasn’t like this. This is...special.” And now he felt like a babbling idiot, getting all hearts and flowers over something as simple as a kiss.

  “It is special. Because you’re special.”

  Will was gone, totally melting into emotional goo. Ready and willing to do whatever Taz wanted. Be everything Taz needed. “Please kiss me.”

  Taz leaned forward. Will’s breath caught. The first brush of warmth against his lips released something deep inside Will that had responded to Taz from their first meeting. Something that wanted to claim him and keep him. He angled in, capturing Taz’s mouth, and then he simply let go.

  Let go to the heat and slide and press of lips and tongues. The hands in his hair, holding without trapping. The cinnamon spice of Taz’s mouth. Harsh breaths through their noses, because Will wasn’t letting go for anything. It was an all-encompassing kiss that changed everything he’d thought about what kissing could be.

  He didn’t know if he pulled, or if Taz pushed, but he was on his back, the cushions soft beneath him, Taz hard above him. Their legs were tangled up, and that was fine, because Taz’s hip was pressing into his crotch, putting amazing pressure on his rising dick. He twisted his fingers into the back of Taz’s shirt, so intoxicated by sensation that he didn’t want the kiss to ever end.

  Taz withdrew first, rising up on his elbows to give Will room he didn’t really need. Will stared up at him, shaking and panting, and all he wanted was to drag Taz back down. To kiss him for the rest of the damned night, if he could.

  “That was some kiss,” Will said instead. “Damn.”

  His lips quirked. “I guess I don’t have to ask if you’re okay, then.”

  “I’m great. That was...amazing. Wow. You’re a good kisser.”

  “So are you.” Taz shifted his weight, and then his erection was pressing into Will’s thigh. “Can you tell?”

  He laughed, enjoying this openly flirty side of Taz he hadn’t seen before. “I don’t know. I might need to make a closer inspection to be sure.”

  “Christ, you’re a little temptress, aren’t you? No.”

  Will pouted, then ground his leg up against Taz. Taz gasped, his face going momentarily wild.

  Unfortunately, he also seemed to possess an extraordinary amount of self-control, because Taz sat up and somehow got their legs untangled. Will started to second-guess the flirting, hating this distance, until Taz pulled him against his side and tucked a firm arm across his shoulders. He curled close to Taz’s chest, barely able to resist the urge to reach down and touch the boner tenting Taz’s shorts. His own hard-on still pressed uncomfortably against his zipper.

  “I promised myself,” Taz said, “that when you came inside tonight, we wouldn’t go any farther than kissing.”

  “If we keep kissing like that, then I am one hundred percent on board with your plan.”

  “The problem is, the longer I kissed you, the more I want
ed to bend you over this couch.”

  Will shivered. “And I would not have protested going there.”

  “I know.” He kissed Will’s hair. “That’s why I stopped.”

  Stuck between enamored by his thoughtfulness and irritated by his overprotectiveness, Will grunted. “If you’re worried, I don’t have anything. My last test was right after the sex ban.”

  “Hey.” Taz turned Will’s chin so he met his gaze. “I’m not worried about that, but thank you for telling me. Same here.”

  “You had a sex ban, too?”

  Taz pinched his hip even while he laughed. “You are such a lovable dork.”

  “And you say the sweetest things.” Teasing Taz was becoming his new favorite thing. “I get it, Taz, I promise. I don’t want to wait, and I don’t need to be seduced, but there are two sets of feelings here, and I get it.”

  “Oh, I don’t think so. I know for damned sure you need to be seduced, because I’ll bet every dollar I have that no one ever has. Seduced you, I mean.”

  “So what?”

  Taz’s face hardened into what Will was starting to think of as Stubborn Face. “You just sealed your fate with that one, Madden. Before the assault I was pretty fucking charming, and I’m pretty sure I still have mad skills.”

  Will’s entire body bucked with his laughter. “You did not just say mad skills.”

  “Zip it.” He manhandled Will until they were facing each other on the couch. “Tell me one thing you’ve always wanted but never had. First thing that comes to mind.”

  “Parents who love me.” The blunt admission brought that awful tightness back—those tears he couldn’t seem to shed.

  Taz pressed a gentle kiss to his lips. “I’m sorry.”

  “It’s not your fault. My father was never in my life, and my mother is the most self-centered, selfish human being on the planet.” Might as well shed some more truth, now that the ball was rolling. “It’s why I have a hard time trusting this. Us. And why I keep wanting to default back to sex, because it’s the only way I was ever shown attention or value.”